Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Being Bipolar


There, I said it...in writing.  My mom is gonna plotz, putting personal business out there for all the world to see.  But it is what I am, and what I am dealing with lately.  I have actually been dealing unaware with it for many years.  I always denied it to myself and my spouse. Some of my friends and family are shocked.  Those who really KNOW me, are not.  They nod, and say, well, all that stuff you did in the past makes sense NOW!  Secretly, I am relieved.  Those who have BPD will nod and understand what I am talking about.  I will not post it and shame my parents and family for my past dangerous behavior.


I have always felt outside of the rest of civilization.  Always pretending to be like the others, even with family.  I have openly dealt with depression since I was 28, when I first got cancer.  I now know that it was only half of the problem.  The rest was just blamed on the crazy me.  The me who was going through a difficult divorce.  The me who was suddenly a single mother of two.  Until now. 

A few weeks ago, I asked questions on a couple of blogs like Sewcraftable, Bipolar Diva and My Husband Misunderstood... and got my answer from ladies also going through it.  I took an online survey that nailed it solid.  I approached my husband with it, and he had already known, and was just waiting for me to agree!  He even called up and made an appointment with a Psychiatrist for me to get a formal diagnosis and the proper medication.


I have been suffering from mania and ADD for many years.  For what seems forever, I have been showing signs of mania, ADD and OCD.  I have major control issues.  I just never knew that they were all signs of BPD.  We had a neighbor boy (now man) who had BPD, and we always knew when he went off his meds, with his crazy talk and crazy behavior.  He had a drug habit and would talk of overthrowing the government.  I always thought BPD was being that bad, which I never was. Little did I know, there are different kinds of BPD and I am what is considered a "soft" bipolar.  I do not do crazy things (well not anymore that I am re-married, lol) but I definitely show signs of manic behavior daily.


My poor husband.  He has been living with this for almost 7 years.  Knowing, and going along with it.  I was always attacking him verbally, cutting him off at the knees psychologically.  Since diagnosis, our marriage has never been stronger.  It is so much better than I ever thought it could be.  I am so lucky to have him. He supports me fully with this (my first husband hit the road at the first sign of manic behavior.) He covers for me with MY kids when I can not handle them.  We are now struggling with finding the right dosage of medication, which is currently Geodon, which has made great improvements in my behavior, mood and outlook on life.  Wish us luck.  And thanks to all those ladies who supported me and gave me information when it was needed, and showed me I am no longer alone. I hope that one day I can help someone with their disease, like all of these people have helped me.

6 comments:

  1. My son, my ex-husband and a very dear friend all have bipolar and all exhibit it differently. Those who truly love you love you completely, and will support you ....

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  2. Good for you, it is often the person with Bi-polar that is the last to know. Hopefully you will find meds that help stabilize everything. I was lucky, my first try went perfectly.

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  3. I am so glad that you had the courage to follow through with getting a right diagnosis. I remember the days before I was diagnosed and I was so ashamed of having that label. It bothered me for a really long time.
    We really have no reason to feel ashamed though. It is just a chemical imbalance in our brain just like diabetes is a chemical imbalance in your pancreas. I am glad to hear that the Geodon is working and hopefully it will for a long time. It sounds like you have yourself a really good husband and that is very important! Keep us posted on your progress. :)

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  4. so proud of you for facing your diagnosis head on! hoping you find the perfect meds soon! dont forget, you've got our support too!

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  5. You're so strong to be so open about this. My prayers are with you and your family as you find the right dosage of medication. I'm glad that you're seeking medical help...hope you're on your way to being the best version of you! *hugs*

    Tess♥

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  6. OK no one has ever told me I'm bipolar,, but those two pictures are my life... but it could be that I try to rent meth houses from little ole men.. just for fun.. and not that I'm bipolar..

    I love ya no matter with polar shows up sweetie..

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C'mon let me have it!